


(Can’t) Turn It Off

by Pa_tr0_clus



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: BoM - Freeform, Depression, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oneshot, Religion, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, mckinley is having trouble turning it off, mcpriceley, suicidal, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-07 18:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pa_tr0_clus/pseuds/Pa_tr0_clus
Summary: Elder McKinley is forced to deal with some difficult feelings that he's been repressing for far too long.However, he just can't cope.MASSIVE SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNINGHOMOPHOBIA TRIGGER WARNING





	1. Chapter 1

Elder Connor McKinley was sat on his rickety bed in the tiny room he shared with his mission companion: Elder Poptarts.

Poptarts and the other Elders were in the village helping out with some problem or another. It didn't matter to Connor anymore.

His hands were shaking and his eyes were glazed over with tears that trailed tracks down his cheeks. He couldn't cope anymore.

Connor sighed shakily, as his thoughts, as always, we're brought to Elder Kevin Price. Heavenly Father, why did he have to meet Kevin? Kevin. From the moment Connor set eyes on Kevin Price, the moment he first arrived in Uganda and met the other Elders, Connor knew he was screwed.

He fell for the Perfect Mormon Boy in all his imperfect glory. He was so kind, and brave, and... was never going to love Connor back.

Huh. Love. Connor guessed that was what it was. In his final moments, he allowed himself to admit, that oh lord was he in love with Kevin Price, and oh god it was going to kill him.

Connor almost felt guilty. Kevin would probably blame himself, when he heard what had happened. It wasn't his fault. He never asked for Connor's affections. It wasn't the fact that his love was unrequited that killed Connor, it was the fact that he was a boy. A boy.

That couldn't be part of Heavenly Father's plan, Connor couldn't be g-

He never could say it. Could never admit to himself that that was what he was. He saw himself as wrong, and ugly, and disgusting, and sinful. How could he be a good Mormon when he couldn't even turn off these disgraceful feelings he had for one of his fellow Elders?

He just couldn't live with himself.

So. Elder Connor McKinley was sat on his rickety bed in the tiny room he shared with his mission companion: Elder Poptarts. And he was going to kill himself.

He set down a note next to him, explaining everything, about his thoughts and his cowardice. He reached for the pill bottle and tore off the lid, pouring the contents into his hand. He tipped his head back, ready to stuff the pills in his mouth...

"Hey Elder McKinley, can I talk- STOP!" Kevin rushed into the room and grabbed his wrist, frantically trying to do anything to stop Connor. The pills were jolted out of his hand and fell to the floor.

Connor looked up at Kevin and started bawling, his chest wracked with sobs and his breaths heaving. Kevin pulled Connor into a tight hug, embracing him, and rubbed soothing patterns into his back as Connor buried his face in his shoulder and soaked his shirt with tears.

Once Connor had calmed down to hiccups and deep breaths Kevin spoke softly, all too aware of the hands clutching at the back of his shirt.

"C-Connor.. Please, please just listen to me.. We all love you so much, I-I love you so much, please, don't feel like this is an option, because it's not, and I can't bear the fact that you were g-going to- to k-kill..." He tailed off, hoping that Connor would understand how much he cared.

"Y-you don't."

"What?"

"You d-don't love me. Not in the way that I- that I love y-you.. Not in the way that I feel.. I'm d-disgusting, Kevin.. I'm so sorry.. Please don't hate me, just let me go, let me die.. I'm so so sorry!" Fresh sobs thundered through his chest, and he shuddered as he clung onto Kevin, as if without it he would float away, and he likely would.

Kevin breathed in sharply. "Connor, Connor, Connor, Connor, Connor," he soothed, twisting a hand into Connor's hair, "you're not disgusting. Or wrong. I love you Connor, you're beautiful, and generous, and Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes, just trust that this is his plan for you.. and I hope more than anything that that plan includes me..."

Tears silently fell down both of the boys' faces. Kevin pressed a kiss into Connor's hair, arms still wrapped around him, scared that he'd disappear if he let go.

"I.." Connor started, his voice grating and thick.

"Shh.. Shh.. come on, let's go to mine and Arnold's room, get you out of here, c'mon, stand up with me, I've got you and I'll never let go I promise.." Kevin babbled in a hushed voice, gently leading Connor away to his own bed. "C'mon"

Kevin gestured for Connor to move with him onto his bed, engulfing him in his arms, snuggling close, keeping him safe, until they both dozed off with tear-stained faces and aching hearts.

Elder Kevin Price loves Elder Connor McKinley. And he knows that now, but that doesn't mean that he is magically okay. There are dark days, there are relapses and close-calls, there are sleepless nights of sobbing and hushed voices of comfort. It is hard, and dark, and the journey is long, but they can get through it together.


	2. McKinley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Ending

Alternative Ending

So. Elder Connor McKinley was sat on his rickety bed in the tiny room he shared with his mission companion: Elder Poptarts. And he was going to kill himself.

He set down a note next to him, explaining everything, about his thoughts and his cowardice. He reached for the pill bottle and tore off the lid, pouring the contents into his hand. He tipped his head back, and stuffed the pills in his mouth. He grabbed the half-empty bottle of whiskey beside his bed and downed it's contents with the pills, then lay down and watched the world turn black around him.

Tears were flowing down his face as he choked on the spit and vomit that was threatening to close his airway entirely. Strangely, in these moments of utter agony, he felt at more at peace with himself than he'd ever been.

~

Kevin had just returned from a day in the village helping Dr Gotswana with his patients; helping people kept his mind busy and stopped him thinking obsessively about his problems.

He found himself outside of Connor and Poptarts' room and took a deep breath. He knew that Connor's mission would soon be over, so he would be leaving Uganda soon, and Kevin would be left behind to finish his mission. Kevin wanted to set some things straight with him before he left. There were some things that needed to be said before it was too late. He opened the door.

"Hey Elder McKinley, can I talk-" his voiced tailed off as he saw the mission leader sprawled out across his bed. Something wasn't right.

"E- Elder McKinley... Are you okay...?" Kevin asked as he slowly approaches his friend. He gently placed a hand on is shoulder and pushed so he rolled face-up.

"NO!"

He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Connor wasn't- Connor couldn't be-

"HELP! HELP HELP! SOMEONE, QUICK!" he screamed frantically, rushing to take Connor's pulse. Nothing.

"This- this has to be a nightmare... this can't be real..." he whispered as tears welled in his eyes.

Poptarts came rushing in, having heard his screams.  
"Kevin, what's the matter? What's- oh god-" he turned as white as a sheet when he saw the scene in front of him.

"I- I'll call Gotswana.."

"Poptarts?"

"Yeah, Kevin?"

"He's gone."

"No... "

Poptarts backed out of the room, leaving Kevin alone.

Kevin dragged a hand across his face to wipe his sodden eyes and looked around, only to find a crumpled, tear-stained note.

He reached out a shaky hand and picked it up, flattening it out. He backed away from the bed until he hit a wall, and slid down it to the floor.

_Dear Elders,  
By the time you're reading this note, I'll be dead. Well, I guess you already know that, huh?_

_I'm sorry I'm such a coward, I'm sorry for everything. But, I'm.. I.. I like boys. And that's not okay. It's not how good Mormon boys should feel. I'm disgusting... And it's not just that. I'm a liar, I'm a bad person. ___

____

__

_I don't deserve to live. ___

____

____

_Poptarts: it was probably you who found me, and for that I apologise. You've been a great mission companion, and I'm so sorry. I appoint you mission leader from now on. ___

____

____

_Elders: you're all wonderful Mormons, and even better friends. Thank you. ___

____

____

_Finally, Kevin: I love you. I love you so damn much, and it hurts. I'm so so sorry. You never asked for my awful affections. It's not your fault, please, whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Heh, you probably hate me now that you know how I feel. How I felt. ___

____

____

_I just wish that I could go to heaven. But that's impossible, isn't it? ___

____

____

_Love, Connor. ___

____

____

Kevin closed his eyes as he clutched the note to his chest and sobbed.

"I'm so sorry Connor. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," he repeated in a frenzied mantra, his voice barely above a hoarse whisper.

~

Poptarts returned an hour later with Gotswana. Kevin just stared blankly as he examined Connor.

Poptarts looked hopefully at Gotswana, but he shook his head sadly, and went to pull a sheet over the body.

"NO! STOP!"

Kevin leapt up from the floor and grabbed Connor's lifeless hand.

"Y-you can't. Pl-please don-nt... no.." he blubbered, unwilling to let go.

Poptarts had to physically drag him out of the room, where he was pulled into Arnold's arms and held as he sobbed.

~

The day before Connor's funeral, the body of Kevin Price was found next to his, hands tangled together, with a simple note beside them.

_I love you too, Connor. See you soon.  
-Kevin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was supposed to be like 500 words of alternative ending but ended up being this depressing monstrosity. Sorry, but better Connor in this than me in real life I guess.
> 
> Remember: Connor deserved to live and so do you. Please seek help if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts xx

**Author's Note:**

> If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please attempt to get help. Connor deserves to live and so do you xx


End file.
